five stages of grief
Denial and/or Isolation - The first reaction to learning of a death of a cherished loved one, a spouse who is leaving or some tragedy that just happened is to deny the reality of the situation. This is a normal reaction to the overwhelming emotions. It is a defense mechanism that buffers the immediate shocking news. We want to block out the words and hide from the facts. This is a temporary response that carries us through the first wave of pain. We may even imagine that the former spouse, family member, friend or pet will be coming around the corner in the home for days after.
Anger - As the effects of denial begin to wear off, the reality and its pain re-emerges. It's too much to take. This intense emotion is diverted from our vulnerable core and can be expressed as anger. The anger may be aimed at objects, a spouse, strangers, friends or family….or even be directed towards our deceased loved one. We may resent the person for causing us pain. We may even feel guilty for being angry which can make us even more angry.
Bargaining - Bargaining is a normal reaction to feelings of helplessness and vulnerability. We want to regain control of our lives and not feeling the way we feel. We say to ourselves….if only I tried harder at the relationship….if only I went and got medial advise sooner….if only I warned them the road were really slippery. Secretly, we may make a deal with God or our higher power in an attempt to stop or postpone the inevitable. This is a weaker line of defense to protect us from the painful reality.
Depression - There can be two levels of depression associated with mourning. Sadness, hopelessness, regret, worry are just some of the feelings that predominate depression. We worry about the costs and burial. We worry that, in our grief, we have spent less time with others that depend on us. We may need a bit of helpful cooperation and a few kind words. Some may experience a second level of depression which is (after the funeral, divorce, job loss, etc.) the person is not taking care of themselves such as bathing, eating, do errands and tasks, even feelings of suicide. This is the time to reach out to a counselor or grief coach.
Acceptance - Reaching this stage of mourning is a gift. The word gift is used because some may never see beyond the anger or depression and sadly sometimes it's by choice. Acceptance is not just a "period of happiness". It is not a mark of bravery and to deny ourselves the stages listed above. This stage is about accepting the reality that our loved one is physically or relationally gone, the home or job is gone, or what ever the loss may be and recognizing that this new reality is the permanent reality. In time, through bits and pieces of acceptance, we see it as the new norm with which we learn to live in. Your peace and happiness is restored.
Anger - As the effects of denial begin to wear off, the reality and its pain re-emerges. It's too much to take. This intense emotion is diverted from our vulnerable core and can be expressed as anger. The anger may be aimed at objects, a spouse, strangers, friends or family….or even be directed towards our deceased loved one. We may resent the person for causing us pain. We may even feel guilty for being angry which can make us even more angry.
Bargaining - Bargaining is a normal reaction to feelings of helplessness and vulnerability. We want to regain control of our lives and not feeling the way we feel. We say to ourselves….if only I tried harder at the relationship….if only I went and got medial advise sooner….if only I warned them the road were really slippery. Secretly, we may make a deal with God or our higher power in an attempt to stop or postpone the inevitable. This is a weaker line of defense to protect us from the painful reality.
Depression - There can be two levels of depression associated with mourning. Sadness, hopelessness, regret, worry are just some of the feelings that predominate depression. We worry about the costs and burial. We worry that, in our grief, we have spent less time with others that depend on us. We may need a bit of helpful cooperation and a few kind words. Some may experience a second level of depression which is (after the funeral, divorce, job loss, etc.) the person is not taking care of themselves such as bathing, eating, do errands and tasks, even feelings of suicide. This is the time to reach out to a counselor or grief coach.
Acceptance - Reaching this stage of mourning is a gift. The word gift is used because some may never see beyond the anger or depression and sadly sometimes it's by choice. Acceptance is not just a "period of happiness". It is not a mark of bravery and to deny ourselves the stages listed above. This stage is about accepting the reality that our loved one is physically or relationally gone, the home or job is gone, or what ever the loss may be and recognizing that this new reality is the permanent reality. In time, through bits and pieces of acceptance, we see it as the new norm with which we learn to live in. Your peace and happiness is restored.
The best thing you can do is to allow yourself to feel the grief as it comes over you.
Resisting it only will prolong the natural process of healing.
Resisting it only will prolong the natural process of healing.
The five stages of normal grief were first proposed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book “On Death and Dying.”
Heart to Heart Life Coaching LLC
P O Box 7117
Algonquin, IL 60102
224-225-9494
[email protected]
Chicago Northwest Suburbs and Beyond
P O Box 7117
Algonquin, IL 60102
224-225-9494
[email protected]
Chicago Northwest Suburbs and Beyond